I’m tired, I have a headache, and I would rather be doing anything other than writing this but my brain won’t leave me alone so here I am. This last week I became an instrument used to make someone else’s faith stronger, I should be honored right? I’m not, I feel like an asshole. Maybe that’s wrong I don’t know I’m pretty uninformed in this area. I’m not going to go into the specifics because that would be ridiculous of me.
Recently, at a late father’s day lunch (July 3rd), my brother pointed out that growing up I was a horrible older brother who lied constantly (my mother seemed shocked by this revelation), I couldn’t argue. I feel really badly about it but I feel like I’ve apologized since and don’t know what else to do at this point. Anyway, that’s not the point of this entry. I only mention it to show that I was a huge liar as a child and I don’t know why maybe I’ll get into another time. The point is that about 10 years ago or so I decided to be honest because liars suck. I’m not going to say that it was easy or that I don’t tell an occasional lie but most people I know will tell you that I go out of my way to tell the truth even if it hurts me or others around me. I’ve adopted a policy of honesty always being the best way to go. But I didn’t stop at honesty I pushed for full transparency and an openness that often irritates most people who know or follow me. In more recent years I’ve pulled back a little but apparently not enough.
I believe that in an ideal world people can get online and go to a forum where everyone can discuss their feelings and concerns and listen to all sides and not get their feeling hurt. I started out acting as if this world would materialize if I just pretended it already existed then I devolved into angry teenager as soon as I got my feelings hurt. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt anyone, but I did and apparently I tested their faith. My anger was directed to a completely different place, but that’s not an excuse.
I have a huge problem with authority that I don’t recognize as authority. I don’t like being told what to do or how to act by anyone that isn’t my boss or parent (and even then it can still be difficult). I know it’s probably something that I need to work on but it’s hard because I don’t know when that bitter feeling is going to hit me and when it does I don’t know how to control it. This past two weeks I’ve had it come over me at least 5 different times. Some from people I should recognize as authority and some I should just dismiss without incident.
Something hits me anytime I think of that school and it’s not the pleasant warm feeling that most of my old classmates seem to get. I know I need to figure out what it is and get over it because my daughter will probably be there for the rest of her time in school. I also need to not take it out on the people who work there now. I feel like I’m being a brat for having these feeling because I did have some good teachers and friends and I’d say that it was good at least 60% of the time and that other 40% may be partly my fault. These are my issues though and I’ll try to work on them.
I just want everyone to know that in the future I will try to think of who might be reading my posts, how it might affect them and anyone else around them, and I will try not to ever be idealistic again. Also, I would like to apologize to anyone that reads this because of how poorly it was put together.