This post isn’t really going to be about the fast I was just on, but instead about the incident that happened while I was on the fast and possibly even because of it. So, if you skipped Part II, welcome back. If you stuck it through and read all that other crap, thank you. If you already read this and circled back you wouldn’t be reading this again, so never-mind. Either way here’s what I think about the verse I heard. I am no stranger to having conversations with myself. I have them all of the time and have for as long as I can remember. One of the main reasons that I love listening to podcasts and having tv on in the background so much is because it drowns out the voices, but if there’s a chance that some of the time one of the voices I’m talking to isn’t me and is actually God I’m going to have to reevaluate the way I carry on up there in my brain. The conversations can get pretty irreverent. Okay, so for recap purposes, here’s the verse again:
“Turn at my rebuke; Surely I will pour out my spirit on you; I will make my words known to you.” - Proverbs 1:23 NKJV
Okay, so I didn’t know the meaning of rebuke exactly, I had a vague idea about what pouring out the spirit meant, but the last line really struck me. I was surprised that this random verse that I thought I had just pulled from out of thin air indicated so clearly that I couldn’t have just done that. It had to be God, right? That blew my mind a little so I started looking into what the whole verse was trying to say. Basically, I have to stop doing something wrong and repent before God will pour out His spirit and make His words known to me. There are so many things that I do that are wrong that I don’t even know where to begin, but I’m told that if I ask Him He will convict me. That sounds so much easier than it is for me.
“He is going to reveal Himself to you personally in such a way that the only explanation will be it was supernatural.” - Valerie Light 10-18-16
That’s a small section of a word that Valerie, a woman that I go to church with and have known most of my life, gave me back in October. The rest of it was about writing and I do want to get into that in a later post that I’ve been working on, but that line especially has been with me since the day she gave me the word. It’s had me excited, nervous, and slightly more aware than usual all at the same time. I’ve been on the lookout for it and I have to admit that I thought it would be bigger than a few words spoken to me about a bible verse, but maybe I’ve been looking for it wrong. I don’t want to discount this as not being the big deal that it is, but I was hoping for something a little less ambiguous. I like clear instruction, but I also like to analyze everything to death so maybe if I think about it this was actually perfect for me.
I looked at the verse again and questioned why the “my”s weren’t capitalized. Was it even God that was speaking? I went up to verse 20, the beginning of the section my verse was in, and it appeared that it was Wisdom who was speaking. I didn’t even know where to begin to understand what that meant. I asked the only biblical scholar that answers my random texts, my mother, who was speaking. She said that Solomon probably wrote it, and he was using God’s words, and it’s some kind of poetry or metaphor. My brain doesn’t do metaphor so well because I’m a fairly literal person. I kind of hate that about myself, but only because it makes things like this harder to understand. If all of what she said was correct then it was God that was speaking, but using the name Wisdom. That still meant I had to take it seriously and change something about myself, but I knew that before I read the verse. I went back to verse 23 and read beyond it:
“Because I called and you refused, I have stretched out my hand and no one regarded, because you disdained all my counsel, and would have none of my rebuke, I also will laugh at your calamity; I will mock when your terror comes, when your terror come like a storm, and your destruction come like a whirlwind, when distress and anguish come upon you. Then they will call on me, but I will not answer; They will seek me diligently, but the will not find me.” - Proverbs 1:24-28 NKJV
I will admit that while that would be pretty terrifying on a regular day, on the second day of self induced “starvation” it freaked me right out. I haven’t been able to unpack what all of that meant yet and maybe it wasn’t meant for me right now, but maybe it was. Maybe my initial reaction to the first verse was the right one though. Maybe the last line jumped out at me because God wanted me to read that line and nothing else. Maybe it jumped out at me because it was the only line I could easily understand. I have always been extremely skeptical and dubious of things that regular people are quick to call God, but this one is harder for me to dismiss. “I will make my words known to you”. That was pretty cool. I’m not discounting the rest of the verse though. That first part is just harder to deal with right now.
Just for the sake of argument and to make this post even longer let’s say that I was meant to continue reading past that verse. “Because I called and you refused”. I have had a feeling that I was called to be a writer. I’ve had this feeling somewhat corroborated randomly by other people that don’t even really know what’s going on with me, and some that do. It’s kind of a calming feeling, but also terrifies me at the same time. It’s calming because I want it to be true so badly that it hurts sometimes, and hearing that it is true makes me happy. It’s terrifying because my want is so strong I worry that it is clouding my own personal judgement. It’s overwhelming, and I’ve mostly ignored the call because of the fear, but “refused” seems a little extreme. I mean, I know I’ve only posted 6 things in the last year so I could see how that could be viewed as refusal. I’ve been working on a post about my calling for about 10 months, but I haven’t written much of it yet. It’s always the next thing I’m planning on doing right after I rewatch Parks and Recreation* for the 2nd time.
Give me wisdom
To develop strategies
To walk in victory
For Your glory.”
Anthony White 2-14-11
That prayer is written inside almost every notebook that I actively use, on two different post-its stuck to my monitor, and occasionally it’s my phone’s wallpaper. I was instructed to say it every day for the rest of my life and occasionally I even remember to do that.
I may have started or at least stayed on the fast for the wrong reasons, but something interesting did come from it. It may have raised more questions for me than it answered, but I think that could be a good thing. I will try to stay on track and get to the bottom of this. I am planning on finally writing my feelings about this thing I believe that I was called to do, and I hope I will be able to post something next week. I know that statistically speaking this will probably be my last post until sometime around September though. I hope that I can break that trend. I have 10 months of scattered thoughts and notes that I need to compile. I will pray the above prayer and also ask God to help me get every thought into the post that He wants to be there and that it will make some kind of sense to someone when I’m finished.
*insert your favorite sitcom here. I’ve probably watched it at least once if not three times.