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Monday, September 19, 2011

Eric and the Darkness



                There’s an evilness inside of me, a cynical skeptical bitter resentful jealous angry judgmental hatred that I try to suppress but it seeps through more often now than ever before.  I honestly don’t know where it comes from.  My parents tried so hard to raise me right. We went to church every Sunday (and this is a great understanding open church, they are some of the least judgmental church people I have ever met in my entire life).  Christian school most of my life and homeschooled the three years before that.  We always had food and clothes and never wanted for anything within reason, of course.  I’ve had my issues with both of my parents(my dad more than my mom), but as I’m finding out with my own children now, parents are just people who don’t know everything and are just trying to keep you alive and a fully functioning well rounded member of society.  Everything after that is just icing.
                The problem now is that everything pisses me off and I don’t know why.  I’m spoiled, selfish and have an undeserved sense of entitlement.  It affects my family, work, and just everyday social interactions (which I keep to a minimum anyway).  I have real trouble with almost anything to do with talking to people.  I’m awkward and uncomfortable and almost always my instincts are wrong.  I can’t prove it but I think that part of me might be retarded.  I write these posts to try to understand myself but I want more than anything for people to read them and maybe understand where I’m coming from.  Yesterday in church the pastor came up to me and said he saw that I had posted a link on Saturday but the comment I wrote on it said not to read it so he didn’t.  This crushed me inside because I write comments like that as a self-defense against rejection,” of course I wanted you to read it can’t you see that these things are a cry for help” is what I thought but didn’t put voice to.
                Michelle, Valerie and Kelly all told me that they follow this and that made me feel good but the darkness is still there inside of me even though everything around is going so great.  I have a beautiful wife, two adorable children, a family that just wants to spend time with me and a great job with an awesome boss and coworkers and still I am miserable.  It makes me want to cry like all time.  I drown it all out with TV, video games, podcasts, music, internet, etc…  I keep myself from thinking whenever possible because my brain is a horrible place.  I guess that’s enough for today.
Eric Anderson

2 comments:

  1. Well I would try and stop trying to drown it all out with all other vices. I would confront the issues and try to find the root of them. I can see you recognize what they are but you need to go further. Whether it bitterness or resentment or not measuring up to your standards or the standards of someone else. Pray about these things and ask the Lord to get to the root to remove. Is 53:5 But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. Iniquities are are things past down from parents and grandparents. Jesus died for all the crap already so pray found out what they are and be done with it. Look more at your blessings like your family and kids and job and thank the lord that your alive!

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  2. so you actually created an account just to leave me a comment? That's pretty cool, dude

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