Monday, February 21, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
I've stopped taking pictures since I started writing again. This disturbs me somewhat because I really like taking pictures. I think brain can only be passionate about one thing at a time so when I started focusing on writing the photography fell by the wayside. I know it's only been four days but still it's weird.
The headache seems to be getting worse today. I feel like it's affecting my speech or really my whole thought process. I've never been the quickest thinker anyway but now it's getting ridiculous. I feel foggy and just in a haze. I liked Valerie's idea that God is letting this happen so I will finally come to Him. And it's not like I haven't been praying but I just don't hear anything. It does make me feel better when I pray, it calms me down a bit but the pressure in my skull isn't going anywhere. Dr. Jones can't see me until monday and even then I'm sure he can't do anything until I have some extensive testing done that will probably take months. I'm going to try to get new glasses as the ones I have are six years old and that may be the cause but I don't think so. The headaches are there when I'm in bed and I don't even have my eyes open. I might also get a haircut and stop wearing a hat, but that just sounds like something crazy people would say. I guess I'm willing to try anything.
I wish this post was funnier in the haha kind of way and not the nutjob kind of way. I though maybe it was allergies so I've been taking claritan and benadryl, also tylenol, advil, aspirin, and green tea. I've taking valerian root to sleep but that still isn't making it better.
I found out yesterday that Sheldon, my brother, is a writer. That's cool. I'm a little jealous that he's actually doing it and I just think all my ideas out of existence. I knew he wanted to be a writer and I knew he had written some stuff but I had no idea he was really going after it. I read some of his stuff. It's good. Can there be two writers in the same family? Is it going to matter anyway when this pain in my head kills me?
I really should start making outlines for these things before I write them. Maybe even come up with a cohesive thought once in a while. Hmmm...sounds like a lot of work.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
It's my third day and I already seriously considered quitting. I had a topic in mind that I've wanted to write about for about six months now, but just didn't think I could give it my best shot today. So I came up with some others and didn't feel them either then decided I didn't want to do this anymore. No offense to everyone out there reading this but I'm starting to feel some pressure to write something good and I don't how to do that. I know you're expecting some God talk and I should really learn some more before I start going there.
I've been scared for about 3 months(or maybe even longer) that I'm going to die. I know there's something wrong with me I just don't know how serious it is or what to do about it. I know the first thing I need to do is lose weight( that's the topic I planned for today, maybe tomorrow). I went to the Dr. in november and he put me on blood pressure medicine and prozac, and sent me to a sleep clinic to get a breathing machine. That all worked pretty well until mid december when I started kidney pain and weird tingling warmth would wash over my body. So I went back and he said it wasn't my kidney is was just my back. Okay fine I'm a hypochondriac with an iPhone. 2 weeks later my chest starts hurting so I go back and he does a ekg(or whatever they do when they make you take your shirt off and stick probes on you). He said that was fine but sent me to a cardiologist(Awesome). I went to that guy and I was the youngest person in the whole building I'm sure. He says I'm probably alright, but he wants a stress test and an echo(great more taking my shirt off, I don't even take my shirt off to shower...just kidding, but it does suck). This whole process is about a month long, during which the weird tingly warmth was still affecting me while I was trying to sleep, but it turns out my hearts fine and they don't want to see me again for 30 years. That whole month I was on google every day and diagnosed myself with GERD or acid reflux. I called the Dr. and he prescribed some stuff. Everything was good again...for about a week.
I started getting headaches or really just a strange pressure in my head that seemed to be affecting my speech but I was the only one who could hear the difference. I mostly ignored this until last friday when it started getting really bad. It comes and goes and google says it could be anything from anxiety to a tumor and a whole mess of crap in the middle. Did I mention that I wake up and both arms will be numb even though I'm sleeping on my back. I woke up at 4 am this morning and I felt the pressure in the center of my skull pushing down and tingling all over my body. I get up and it's fine. I barely notice the pressure most of the days now but if I sit down it'll usually start to get to me. I know it's weird.
I know I should call the Dr. but I'm sure he's pretty sick of me and all the money I've thrown at him since early november. I know hypochondriacs and they are sooooo annoying, I just don't want to be that person, but I know that there is something wrong with me and if I could just figure it out I would be happier. It's really all I can think about which is why this is the post you're getting today instead of my battle with food addiction, although they may be related, who knows?
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
I've never thought about being a blogger. I've actually always wanted to be a writer but I don't like to type. I want to feel the texture of the paper and push ink into the material. It's just something that I've always enjoyed, but I haven't written anything in years. Every now and then I'll find something I wrote in high school and wonder where that even come from and wonder if I can ever get that ability back. When I was in 9th grade or so I wrote a story for Mrs.(Michelle) Friend's class and she sent a note back saying that she would like to see more. I never wrote any more.
The annoying and frustrating thing about me is that I have dreams and I want to write these awesome stories, but I'll think on them all day and work them out in my head and never write them down, then they're gone forever(not that they're awesome to anyone besides myself). I'm an extremely consistent procrastinator and I get distracted quite easily(I've got the ADD but that's another post). When the prophet told me that I have crazy ideas that others laugh at the only thing that came to mind was writing and photography. I think anyone can take a picture it's just something I really love to do. Writing however is the dream and I used to be good at it( just saying). I hope to get it back, I'm way behind in practice.
When Mrs.(Michelle) Friend wrote that note she could have said that to all of her students or she could have really meant it, who knows? I just know that it inspired me to dream of writing for the last 14 years, I just lacked the drive to do anything with it(my bad) I feel like I should mention Mrs. Robinson's English class or I'll be in big trouble. I loved turning her vocabulary words into the most twisted sentences I could come up with(I still think the Shurley Method sucks).
The point is that I really enjoyed writing yesterdays post and I would like to thank everyone for their overwhelmingly positive responses to my personal problems. I think I'll keep writing here whenever I can think of something to write about. It's just practice for me so you don't have to read it. You can but you don't have to.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
I feel like a little kid(spiritually) around these people that I've grown up with and around. I've never really been good with prayer or reading the bible and I just started tithing consistently back in July. I grew up with all of this so maybe it's desensitized me to it but I've watched everyone around me change and I never got into the speaking in tongues or getting drunk in The Holy Spirit or even dancing. It's not that I was offended it by it or anything I just didn't/don't get it. The whole church grew spiritually all around me and I was left behind. Not anyone's fault but mine and my own damned stubbornness. We had a presbytery(you might want to spell check that one) at church for the last two nights where the pastor prayed and God told him a list of people that would be prophesied over and my wife and I were on it. I really didn't know how to feel about this but I'll tell you I was nervous to say the least.
I haven't been a very good Christian, son, brother, husband, father, employee etc..., I'm selfish, lazy, apathetic, insensitive, scared, etc..., I know I need to pray and ask God for help but I feel like I need to fix myself before I can do anything without being a huge hypocrite. I try to be a good person and I don't think I'm that bad but anytime I'm around these people I feel like I let them all down. I know I had/have potential that I've completely wasted and I know I need to do something about but I feel like I'm in a hole that I can't really get out of. I'm not trying to whine, I'm not unhappy, I truly do like my life and I love my wife and daughter, I just want something more. I know this is rambling and weird, I'm just trying to work out some thoughts I have.
Sunday night I watched as the prophets did their thing with all the people and with each person I got more scared of what my turn would be like. I just knew that they were going to say all they see in me is blackness and that there's no hope for me. That I'm dead inside. I don't know why I thought that would happen it would be unprecedented based on my experience but I knew it was coming.
I sit in church every Sunday or so and the leadership gets up and says things that's I don't even come close to understanding. I don't know if my brain is broken or what but I don't get metaphor or symbolism or representation. I see people younger than me(and newer to the church for that matter) get up and say that God told them this or that, and they speak with such insight and security. I just sit there and wonder how they got there and how can I get there. I pray and I ask God for help and I know this is a baby Christian thing to say but I can't ever tell if it's God talking or me talking. I want to do the right thing. I want to stop being afraid(of everything).
So we sit down and the first guy says basically that he knows I'm skeptical and everyone laughs(it was funny, this dude was an awesome speaker). He says some stuff about God keeping me on path or something to that effect( I really can't remember, but I'm supposed to get a cd of it so I can listen again, which is good because he told me to say a prayer for the rest of my life and I can't remember what it was). The other guy said that my wife and I have sensitive hearts(which really shouldn't surprise you if you've read this far) and we are going to be need fillers(what? Do you remember the part about me being selfish). Like I said I don't remember everything that was said by the three people that prophesied I do know that if affected me. I don't know what to do with it. I know that I need to mature spiritually so that I can be the leader that my family deserves, but I don't know how or even where to start. After the service the first prophet, Anthony, gave me $50 and said it was just the beginning of the blessings that were coming. I can't stop think about this. Do I need to give the money to someone in need, if so who, trust me I've been praying about this all day and last night and I don't know if it's God or me that says give it to this person or that person or keep it or put it in a bank for your daughter etc...
For most of my life I've have been a closed off person emotionally and spiritually, I'm sure no one knows what to say to me that won't upset me or offend me or scare me off, I can be a bit of an ass that way. People have tried and I can see the frustration in their eyes when my eyes glaze over. I really don't know what's wrong with me. I believe that God is there and I'm sure He's talking to me and I'm probably not trying hard enough to figure out what He's saying. I over analyze. Duh.
I know this has been a jumbled whiny mess and I assure you that it is not everything I set out to write. I wanted to ask for guidance spiritually from someone anyone that seems to grasp this whole thing. I want answers to questions that I'm sure you will tell me only God can answer and that will frustrate me.
I want to get it right and I want to love God with all my heart and not just stand there singing words on a teleprompter hoping that it stirs something in me. I know that I can't just fake it until I make it. It's not working, I don't think it ever will that way. I should go now. I hope to continue my writing and hope very much that it improves over time with practice. I don't want anyone who reads to get the wrong idea about my church, everything that has happened is on me. I've always pulled away when things got to weird or scary and I feel like I've let everyone else down. Okay that's all for now