I feel like a little kid(spiritually) around these people that I've grown up with and around. I've never really been good with prayer or reading the bible and I just started tithing consistently back in July. I grew up with all of this so maybe it's desensitized me to it but I've watched everyone around me change and I never got into the speaking in tongues or getting drunk in The Holy Spirit or even dancing. It's not that I was offended it by it or anything I just didn't/don't get it. The whole church grew spiritually all around me and I was left behind. Not anyone's fault but mine and my own damned stubbornness. We had a presbytery(you might want to spell check that one) at church for the last two nights where the pastor prayed and God told him a list of people that would be prophesied over and my wife and I were on it. I really didn't know how to feel about this but I'll tell you I was nervous to say the least.
I haven't been a very good Christian, son, brother, husband, father, employee etc..., I'm selfish, lazy, apathetic, insensitive, scared, etc..., I know I need to pray and ask God for help but I feel like I need to fix myself before I can do anything without being a huge hypocrite. I try to be a good person and I don't think I'm that bad but anytime I'm around these people I feel like I let them all down. I know I had/have potential that I've completely wasted and I know I need to do something about but I feel like I'm in a hole that I can't really get out of. I'm not trying to whine, I'm not unhappy, I truly do like my life and I love my wife and daughter, I just want something more. I know this is rambling and weird, I'm just trying to work out some thoughts I have.
Sunday night I watched as the prophets did their thing with all the people and with each person I got more scared of what my turn would be like. I just knew that they were going to say all they see in me is blackness and that there's no hope for me. That I'm dead inside. I don't know why I thought that would happen it would be unprecedented based on my experience but I knew it was coming.
I sit in church every Sunday or so and the leadership gets up and says things that's I don't even come close to understanding. I don't know if my brain is broken or what but I don't get metaphor or symbolism or representation. I see people younger than me(and newer to the church for that matter) get up and say that God told them this or that, and they speak with such insight and security. I just sit there and wonder how they got there and how can I get there. I pray and I ask God for help and I know this is a baby Christian thing to say but I can't ever tell if it's God talking or me talking. I want to do the right thing. I want to stop being afraid(of everything).
So we sit down and the first guy says basically that he knows I'm skeptical and everyone laughs(it was funny, this dude was an awesome speaker). He says some stuff about God keeping me on path or something to that effect( I really can't remember, but I'm supposed to get a cd of it so I can listen again, which is good because he told me to say a prayer for the rest of my life and I can't remember what it was). The other guy said that my wife and I have sensitive hearts(which really shouldn't surprise you if you've read this far) and we are going to be need fillers(what? Do you remember the part about me being selfish). Like I said I don't remember everything that was said by the three people that prophesied I do know that if affected me. I don't know what to do with it. I know that I need to mature spiritually so that I can be the leader that my family deserves, but I don't know how or even where to start. After the service the first prophet, Anthony, gave me $50 and said it was just the beginning of the blessings that were coming. I can't stop think about this. Do I need to give the money to someone in need, if so who, trust me I've been praying about this all day and last night and I don't know if it's God or me that says give it to this person or that person or keep it or put it in a bank for your daughter etc...
For most of my life I've have been a closed off person emotionally and spiritually, I'm sure no one knows what to say to me that won't upset me or offend me or scare me off, I can be a bit of an ass that way. People have tried and I can see the frustration in their eyes when my eyes glaze over. I really don't know what's wrong with me. I believe that God is there and I'm sure He's talking to me and I'm probably not trying hard enough to figure out what He's saying. I over analyze. Duh.
I know this has been a jumbled whiny mess and I assure you that it is not everything I set out to write. I wanted to ask for guidance spiritually from someone anyone that seems to grasp this whole thing. I want answers to questions that I'm sure you will tell me only God can answer and that will frustrate me.
I want to get it right and I want to love God with all my heart and not just stand there singing words on a teleprompter hoping that it stirs something in me. I know that I can't just fake it until I make it. It's not working, I don't think it ever will that way. I should go now. I hope to continue my writing and hope very much that it improves over time with practice. I don't want anyone who reads to get the wrong idea about my church, everything that has happened is on me. I've always pulled away when things got to weird or scary and I feel like I've let everyone else down. Okay that's all for now
Eric Anderson
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