Eric and The Tithe

                I stopped tithing in May.  Not out of greed so much as just wanting to not have my car repossessed.  I guess that’s a little greedy.  I’m not innocent in all of this I could be a lot more fiscally responsible.  Now that my wife has quit her job to raise the newest child we are even more broke than I thought we were 4 months ago.  I know that I should be tithing, but we’ve kind of dug ourselves into a deep deep hole of contracts and obligations and then there’s the private school.  Shouldn’t that count as tithing?  I mean, the church owns the school. So I should get some points for that. No?  I didn’t really think so, but I thought I would try anyway. 

                I’ve heard a lot of people say that tithing is more important than eating (okay, not a lot of people, but my mother says that…a lot).  I want to tithe, I feel guilty for going to church and not tithing.  I feel like I just decided to ignore that part of the bible because it’s really inconvenient.  I don’t want to ignore it.  The pastor always says that we need to prove that we are able to handle a small amount before we can be trusted with a larger amount.  If we had a larger amount we could pay all of our bills and tithing would be easy.  I don’t know, I guess it’s about faith and trusting in God and all of that stuff.

                I am going to tithe on Sunday and if they try to take my car I’m sure my parents will help me out.  I guess it’s easier to have faith with a safety net.

Eric Anderson

P.S. My wife is an awesome lawn mower person. I love you Charlotte

Eric and The Iniquities?

Dear Blog Journal,

                My mom doesn’t read you. Sorry, she has a growing fear of technology and really she’s not a fan.  It’s okay though, she has people who do read you and report back to her any salient points or particularly juicy bits.  So here goes.

                Over the past few weeks I’ve had at least two different people talk to me about iniquities.  I was told that they are something that has been passed down from my parents/grandparents/great-grandparents/etc…  So first I decided to find out what iniquities are.  Now I’m not a complete idiot, I know that over the years I’ve heard the word used and taking it in the context in which it was presented I am aware that they are bad. Just for fun let’s look it up in the dictionary... okay, Webster’s says that it is “a wicked act or thing: SIN” or “gross injustice: WICKEDNESS”.  Hmmmm, okay, maybe I should find a different dictionary…okay, I’m back.  Google listed a whole bunch of sites that talked about curses and being passed down through bloodlines.  I’m not going to try to pretend to understand what this is all about. I can tell you some negative traits I got from my parents though.

                From my mom, I got the aversion to saying I’m sorry and constantly thinking that people don’t like me or are just mad at me.  To be fair she has been doing a lot better with these things and I have been trying to work on myself.  I will lose sleep sometimes worrying if someone likes me or not based on comments they may have said or didn’t say, but didn’t say it in a certain way.  It’s hard to apologize to people, because it usually means that you were wrong and I don’t like to be wrong.  I find it’s much easier to pretend like nothing ever happened and just change the subject and move on.  I’m working on that one too (especially at work).

                From my dad, I got awkward social skills, A.D.D., being compulsive with money, a short temper, and no idea how to raise or relate to children.  These are things that I have no idea how to fix.   I will say that my dad’s social skills are much better than mine, I hardly ever see him lose his temper anymore, he is much much better with his money now and well the kids thing still seems to be a problem.

                I love both of my parents and I know that they tried their hardest to raise me better than I turned out. I also know that I did get some positive attributes from them as well (I don’t really know what any of them are off hand, but that’s not really what this journal is about). Apparently, if this iniquities thing is what I think I understand it to be, it’s not their fault.  I guess that sounds like an easy way to look at.  Nothing is our fault or our parents fault or their parents fault or…  I’m sure that’s not what they meant when they told me about iniquities.  We have to accept some personal responsibility. Right?

Love Always,
Eric

P.S.  My wife is way better at breast feeding than I am.  I love you Charlotte

Eric and The Obviousness

           Journal? Seriously? How can someone who loves words as much as I do not think of "journal"?   What the hell? Am I retarded? I’ve been bitching to myself about how much I hate the word “blog” (even though I post this on blogger and the website is something  something dot blogspot dot something).  Journal is perfect and that’s what I am calling this thing from now on. Thank you Danni you are awesome at pointing out obvious things to your idiot cousin.  Everyone else, enjoy reading my journal.

Eric Anderson

P.S. my wife is kickass at making the bed.  I love you Charlotte

Eric and The Apology

                                                           

I’m sorry if I have made anyone feel badly for me because of all the negative whininess in my posts.  I promise that I am not writing these horrible things about myself to make you feel sorry for me.  The reason for this blog is twofold (who uses words like that?). One, I need practice writing because it’s something that I have inside of me, something that has been trying to get out for years but my lazy fat fingers won’t cooperate. Two, it’s been like therapy for me to get these thoughts out and written down in one place.  It frees up my brain to come up with more whiney nonsense (I’m hoping I’m almost out of that stuff) (probably not).  I have gotten a lot of really good advice lately that a wiser person would actually take (not that I won’t take it, it just might be a while).  I want everyone to know that I appreciate all of the kind words and the reassurances that I’m not a completely broken awful human being.  I’m probably not going to stop writing dark negative things about myself anytime soon because that’s just the way my self-deprecating brain works.

I have never in my life had an actual suicidal thought beyond wondering what it would feel like if I did something that would probably kill me.  I’m just bringing this up in case that’s where the concern is coming from.  I love being alive and I have a deep deep fear of not being alive.  I used to daydream about what it would be like if there was no universe at all and it would hurt inside.  There would be nothing. No before, no after, no now, no anything.  Okay, that was dark.  Let’s get back to the point.

Apparently, there are a lot of you out there who do actually love your jobs. That is beyond my comprehension.  I’m willing to admit I was wrong about this but I’m not going to pretend to understand how you can love having your soul crushed by the man (hyperbole).  I just have a longing inside of me to be somewhere else.

Over the years I have had friends who did get my sense of humor and did enjoy spending time with me although it was mostly at school or work.  Jake, I looked forward to working with you too. It was a hard time for me when you left the soul crushingness that is braum’s to work for what I can only assume was just as bad at wal*mart.  I completely understood the need to get the hell out of there though.  Maybe the people I work with now are just too conservative republican (this is a joke for Amy, the only funny republican I know) to get me.  Also a lot of them are from a different culture and they think I’m nuts.

So yes I love that you are all reading my blog and I really hope you like it, but I’m not trying to “fish for compliments” or reassurances of my normalcy.  I do appreciate all of the comments.  Does anyone have any tips for my writing style (I know it could be organized structurally and a reread for errors wouldn’t kill me)?  I want to get better at this, that’s why I’m forcing myself to do it.

My apology is to you the reader for making you feel badly for me and my sanity.  Sometimes I write these things when I’m not in the best place psychologically.  I’m sorry

Eric Anderson

P.S. my wife wants me to write more nice things about her. So, hmmm…well that’s not appropriate.  That either…ummmm…she…no…okay, got it.  She makes awesome breakfast burritos (hint hint). Ha-ha, I love you Charlotte.

Eric and The Relationships

                I don’t like people as a group.  That’s not entirely true.  It is the vibe I put out there though.  I have a difficult time relating to people.  I am seriously lacking in social skills, but I want badly to be liked, so much so that I generally make an ass out of myself and push people away from me.  It takes most people time to get to know me and understand where I’m coming from.  Where I’m usually coming from is a deep desire to make you laugh, I will say almost anything to make someone laugh and even though I’m not serious it can be taken wrong sometimes.  A lot of the time, the things that will make someone laugh are inappropriate and are not my true feelings.  They are just the funniest thing from the list of possible responses that pops into my head.  Relationships are hard for me.

                I used to have a best friend that I would do everything with, he was awesome, smart, hilarious, and had much better people skills.  We’re still Facebook friends or whatever, but I haven’t seen him since right after my first child was born (almost 6 years ago).  This is my problem; I don’t know how to carry on more than one relationship at a time.  I got married and that was it for me.  I have a best friend that lives with me now.

                Being married is the easiest thing that I have ever done.  I love my wife and that’s it.  I’ve always loved my wife, even way back when we were dating in high school.  Sure we fight and we drive each other crazy.  We don’t have much in common, she doesn’t get me and I certainly don’t get her, but there has always been a connection between us.  When we were apart for four years she was on my mind 90% of the time.  I couldn’t shake her no matter how hard I tried.  I know this might sound bad but I don’t know why we are drawn together the way that we are.  I just know that we are absolutely meant to be together.  That’s why it’s so easy for me.  A lot of people tell me that marriage is hard and I want to see that but I can’t.  Every other thing in my life is hard, but not her. Being with her is the only thing that I know is right. 

                Donnie offered to hang out with me some time to talk about how hard it is to have a job, wife, kids, bills etc…  He says I have isolated myself and I guess that’s not a good thing.  I don’t really like to hang out and I haven’t done it in a really long time. I work 12 hour days 5 to 6 days a week (it’s the only way to make enough money to survive), so there’s a time factor.  About 9 years ago Donnie and I found ourselves unemployed at the same time.  We went out looking for jobs together for a few months and we hung out and exercised and watched movies.  It was good times, then I got the job that I’m at now and we have hardly ever talked to each other again.  That’s just my screwed up personality.  I don’t know how to be an acquaintance.  I don’t know how to do small talk.  I’m either all in friendship mode or I’m not.  What’s wrong with me?

                I guess I’ll just have to work on that. I keep getting tired of talking about myself and saying that I’m going to quit blogging and maybe write some fiction, but then I get overwhelmed all up in my brain. So here it is.

Eric Anderson

Eric and The Obligations of Men

                I have a great job, I have a job that feeds, clothes, and keeps my family warm at night.  I hate my job.  My job has gone out its way to make my life easier and it has forgiven me for most of my shortcomings.  I hate my job.  I try my hardest to push myself into doing well for this company that is far from perfect itself, but I get this nagging feeling in my gut that this is absolutely not what I’m supposed to be doing with my life.  I tell myself that nobody loves their job and if they say they do they are lying.  Lying to me, lying to themselves, lying to the whole damn world.  Not every day is like this, most of the time I can convince myself that this is what I’m supposed to do because, dammit, this is what people do, this is what men do.  Men work, men provide for their families, men don’t need to be happy. 

                I love my boss; he is one of the awesomest most well rounded individuals I have ever met in my entire life.  He is so smart and his sharpness amazes me on a daily basis.  I appreciate everything he has done for me in the 3 years I’ve known him.  He has given me a promotion, a promotion that most people, me included, didn’t believe I deserved.  Not only is he a great boss, I consider him a friend.  I love talking to him, more about music than work.  He has an encyclopedic knowledge of pop culture, particularly music.  The point is that he’s a great dude and I have a feeling that he doesn’t love his job all that much either, but it’s what men do.

I know that my hatred of my job has gotten in the way of me being a great employee.  I try to ignore my feeling and do my best every time but they get the better of me sometimes (more often now than before).  I have a perfectionist side that pushes me towards greatness, but it gets drowned out by the lazy procrastinator side more often than not.  I find that if I look at a project and tell myself that there is no way I can do it well then I’ll just quit doing it.

If I look back at this dream of writing that I’ve had since the fifth grade I realize that if I had started pursuing it back then I might be somewhere today other than where I am.  That’s the problem. I can’t change the past, I can’t go back and slap the shit out of a fifth grade me (because I would certainly be arrested) and tell him follow this to the end.  I have written a few things over the years but nothing consistently.  I know I need to accept my life for what it is now or I’ll never be happy.

Regular readers of this blog(I hate the word “blog”) know that I need quite a bit of practice before I could ever get anyone to pay me to write anything, but that has always been my answer to the question “what do you want to do when you grow up”?  Well that and photographer, but my photography is far far far from professional.  While I love quite a few of the pictures I’ve taken, most people tell me they suck. Whatever, it’s just for fun anyway.

Eric Anderson

Eric and The Hypochondria V

                Okay, I might have been a tiny bit overly cocky in my last post (Eric and The Hypochondria IV 5/14/11) about having “solved” the problem with my skull pain.  That was a little bit of an exaggeration but it is still 85% better than it was in February and March.  In the last four months I’ve mostly stuck with the niacin solution I accidentally discovered and it’s been okay.  I tested it a few times by not taking it for a day or two and the pain came back strong.  The headache is still only on the right side on the top of my head with the occasional shooting pain in various other spots of my skull.  I finally decided to go back to the doctor in mid-august just to see if there was anything else he could offer.  He’s kind of stumped and I’m still kind of scared.

                He decided to put me on muscle relaxers, because he’s always believed that this is probably a stress headache and he wants me to chill.  He also took another x-ray to see if the original sinusitis was gone and I haven’t been getting enough radiation in my day to day life.  I started taking the muscle relaxers at night before I went to bed and they did a really good job of making me even less functional at my job than before.  After a few days of that the doctor called and said I do still have some sinusitis and he wants me to take antibiotics twice a day for a month.  The headaches were getting better so I continued with the muscle relaxers and took the whole month’s supply of antibiotics.  For that whole month the headaches were 99% gone with the occasional fleeting achiness in my head. 

                Now I’m out of antibiotics, but I’m still taking the muscle relaxers that make me feel awful all day every day.  If it’s the antibiotics that were making me feel better then I should be able to stop the muscle relaxers.  I tried that for one day and the headaches came back.  So now I’ve been without the antibiotics for about a week and I feel the headache today, but maybe it’s just paranoia.  Either it’s stress or sinusitis or a brain tumor or any of the million different things that Google has taught me about this year.  I don’t know, maybe I need surgery on my skull.

Eric Anderson