You’re
walking towards a door. You reach the door, extend your hand, grab the handle
and open it. You stop and look around to
see if anyone else is coming. You see
someone walking in your direction. It’s
time for that split second calculation to determine whether or not they are
close enough for you to have to hold open the door or if it would be socially
acceptable for you to walk in and forget about it. You decide they’re too close and hold the
door for them. They’re still coming,
this is taking forever, and maybe you’ve miscalculated their distance, now you
look like an idiot holding the door for someone who was probably a block
away. They reach you and walk right passed. They weren’t even going in, now you feel
completely retarded. You look around
again, “did anyone else see that?”
“Shake it off” you tell yourself, “just walk in and forget that ever
happened, nobody cares but you”, but you never believe yourself. If this has never happened to you and you
can’t relate in any way then go back and replace all the “you” and “you’ve”s
with “I” and “I’ve”s. This is just an
example from the craziness in my brain that happens more often than I care to
admit. I’ve got thousands more.
I’ve
touched on my social anxiety before but I figure it’s time to dive right into
that scary place and maybe try to figure out what the hell is wrong with me or
at least explain the weird hell that is my life. I will often find myself standing and
watching as other people are working. “I
should help these people, why am I just standing here being worthless?” I ask
myself. I’ll try to determine the best
way to help and I’ll grab something or try to move out of the way, but it’s
usually the wrong thing to grab or the wrong way to move. These are basic things that most men are born
with, but for some reason I can’t function as a team. My solution is usually to withdraw and just
try to be quiet and stand in the corner until it’s time for me to do something
or I’ll just leave.
I’m extremely awkward
around people I don’t know, people I haven’t seen in a while, people who check
out at the grocery store (or any store for that matter), people I do know but
I’m scared of because I can’t really tell where they are coming from, people I
work with, people I go to church with, etc. (this would have been shorter if I
had just said “people.”). I use humor to
highlight things that make me uncomfortable, if often comes off as insensitive
and generally offends at least half of the people involved. I don’t have any idea how to do small talk (I
hate sports, wrestling, nascar [notice how I didn’t call nascar a sport?], the
weather, etc…)
My coping method for
awkwardness is self-deprecating humor. I
will usually say the funniest thing that pops into my head no matter how it
will affect my social standing because if I can get someone to laugh it will
hopefully diffuse the tension. I usually
just end up looking like an ass (note: it’s not a good idea to joke around with
your bosses about how lazy you are, even if it is the most hilarious thing you’ve
ever said).
This weirdness is
something that I’ve lived with as long as I can remember and even though I am
more able to push deep down inside than I used to be it’s still very much part
of me and anyone who knows me will probably tell you that I’m not fooling
anyone with this normal act (this sentence is far too long).
Eric Anderson
P.S. “He was such an understanding child, he always
listened when you explained to him in a rational logical way what you were
doing and why you were doing it even though he couldn’t possibly understand any
of the words you were saying as he was only 4 months old” is not something that
we will ever say about our son. I love
you, Charlotte, even if you do sound like a crazy person.
