If I was truly committed to this writing thing I would stop watching television, stop playing stupid waste of time nonsense video games (anything that ends with the suffix –ville) and focus on reading and writing and exercising my brain (and it probably wouldn’t hurt me to exercise my body as well), but I can’t. Television is so easy and awesome and I don’t want to miss anything (plus it is probably the only thing my wife and I have in common). Reading is hard (everything distracts me). Writing is hard (much harder than I thought it would be). I’m never inspired at convenient times either. I’ve discovered about myself that just getting the basic ideas down isn’t always enough for me later because I’m not in that same mood when I actually sit down to write. How does anyone with a job, family, Xbox, and television addiction ever become a writer? These are all things that I should have gotten around to after I became successful enough to have a quiet place to spend my day writing and not being pestered by employees (at home on my cell phone), coworkers (also, at home on my cell phone), wife, kids, other family members, TV, and pretty much life in general. It’s too late for all of that now, though.
Sometimes I look at my kids and they say (the big one) or do (the little one) amazing things and all I can think is that they are leaching my talent away from me. That’s probably not how it works though, it is? They’re just young and they have that thing that I used to have, what’s it called? Oh yeah, imagination. I guess you just lose that over time as you “grow up” to become an “adult” or whatever. I don’t want to be an adult; I don’t want to be mature and responsible. I want to have those sparks of weird creativity that I used to have without overanalyzing everything. I don’t want to think about whether it’s been done before, if it makes sense, or even if it’s entertaining to anyone besides me. I feel like my psyche is slipping away from me. I feel like every day I’m fighting my way back from the precipice of full on depression.
I need to make a change in my life, in my way of thinking, I need to either pursue this thing full on, whether it be good or bad, do it or just give it up and be happy with my lot in life. I watch these people come to work and they are excited. They’re excited to have a job, excited to be a valued member of this place and society in general, excited to see their coworkers, and excited to just talk about their weekends and whatever’s going on with them outside of here. I want that. I want to just be happy and be the best whatever I do here possible, but there’s this idea that’s holding me back. This tiny flicker in the back of my brain that says that I’m better than this, that I’m better than this place, that I absolutely should not settle on this, but that tiny flicker hasn’t gotten me anything but a deep depression so I need to shut it up.
This was not something I intended to write when I woke up this morning and I don’t have a conclusion at this point. Sorry